Welcome Back To Reality

I recognize it has been sometime since my last writing, or update on the blog but thank you to those who remain interested amidst my bout of absence.

I have since returned from my time abroad and was promptly reminded of the life that lay before me. I spent about one month back home before returning to school in January for the start of the spring semester.

It never ceases to amaze me, the life within which we exist. The idea that each day will continue to come and go no matter how much you wish to press the pause button. I think the things I have missed most from Colombia are the people, the Spanish, and the fruit. Looking back on all of it now, it feels as if I am looking back on a fictitious dream. I returned to school and everything I was happy to be miles apart from in Colombia returned to its constant close proximity. It was really just all of my responsibility. Taking classwork seriously, thinking about my future job, I didn't have any desire to strive towards performing to the best of my ability. Yet it seemed as though everyone else around me had somehow lapped me and was still running faster and faster whilst I walked slowly along the track. I hated the idea that the beginning years of my young adult life would be spent here at an institution with each day being similar to the next, preparing for some future success in the next five to ten years of my life. How can I live and rid myself of this bubble that hindered my ability to see my vast existence in place of this minuscule responsibility to wake up, go to class, follow the rules, go to sleep, and do it all over again? I returned and felt as though I was being forced to fit within the small box yet again. Forced to move along the conveyor belt, just the same as everyone else. My time in Colombia allowed me to see who I wanted to be, my own individual, beautifully colored vase. But I return and as does my responsibility to fit the mold. Graduate, get a job, become successful, do well, don't fail. Grow up and face the world before you.

I returned to my everyday existence, and it felt as though I had been slapped across the face; this is your reality. The dream had ended, I returned to my responsibility to live and to live well. For some reason, this responsibility seemed easier to carry when no one expected anything of me; I was just the extranjera (outsider) from the U.S. I needed only to realize this responsibility to live; this burden of existence does not have to be held so strenuously. Instead of holding it high with my hands tied over my head, I can carry it here at my side in this cute little bag too.

I believe I allowed myself to crumble under the weight of the realization that upon my return from Colombia, I was only closer to that thing where I graduate from college and continue moving through the world, trying to be the best person I can be. The thought is utterly exhausting, but this burden is also a blessing, the ability to live and experience it all. To decide how I wish to impact the world. Still, a part of me would rather not try and be so bold and brave, waking up every day with intention. But I am alive, I open my eyes, see the light pouring through the curtains, so why not carry the burden of my existence and smile whilst doing it. I need only carry that responsibility lightly as it is my own to bear and no one else’s to decide how I choose to do it. I only pray for the courage to spend my current time wisely; I would despise myself if the sun did not rise and I found myself having wallowed here all along, dragging my blessing of existence behind me.

I return to the reality, completing my junior year in college, and life has surely continued along its tumultuous tide! Amidst the high and low tide, I hope I can take the time to look out at the vast ocean before me. To sit amidst the reality and consume my present. Embrace what I know is here, now, currently taking place around me, eyes wide open. I can continue to add the color to my own vase, increase its distinction from the rest. It’s okay if some days are less intentional than others, so is the tide inconsistent in its magnitude. How else would I exist if not amidst the presence of the unknown, carrying my own beautifully colored burden.

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” -Psalms 91:1-2 NIV