Incessant Thoughts

Update: I, along with my fellow classmates from the states have not been permitted to leave the school we are currently studying at in Colombia. In turn, I have had a bit of a dry spell in finding well things to post on the blog. Instead of a frilly life adventure post, I have this...it may not be impactful in a grand way but hence I have categorized it as an interesting thought post.

I believe I think incessantly. At times the constant swirling of thoughts within my mind forces me to consider the weight of my own lack of action. The miniscule nature of my thoughts, force me to ask the question of myself, why am I so frazzled by these small problems? Why do they simply always return, finding their place within the racing of my mind? 

No one will know what exactly goes on within the confines of my mind lest I tell them. In the same, I will never hold the privilege of someone else’s thoughts lest they decide to share them with me. This unknown, that is what begs my question. Why must I be so un-actionable? Frozen amidst a multitude of unknowns that compliment the minuscule thoughts I experience within my everyday life.

I recognize I may be losing you at this point but allow me to unravel a bit of the complexities within my mind. I am currently on day 57 of my time studying abroad in Colombia. I have been limited by my ability to travel outside of the school and within my time amidst this small community everything has become nuanced. In turn, I have become hyper analytical of my own every move. Because of my ability to take part in more conversations with students, and spend more time with the close knit community, I have been able to push myself beyond my comfortable box. Nonetheless, with every new interaction comes my day-long analysis thereafter. Why? Is it this sense of the unknown that keeps me harkening to dissect every last second of my mannerisms and words said within a conversation? The unknown of how they receive me, what they think of me? I mustn’t dwell on the unknown, I should rather rest in the very fact that it is unknown. Should I not? Or does the incessantness of my thinking branch from the true disgust I hold for myself? That my every mannerism is to my own disapproval and the person I allow myself to become beyond my comfort zone is ingenuine and unlikeable? 

I sought out this opportunity to study abroad, to reconvene and rediscover the elasticity of my existence and unearth the roots towards my authenticity. Living to the fullest of my abilities, taking on what comes my way, good, bad and all that lies between.

Here I am attempting to steer my ship but my rudder becomes constantly stopped amidst the clutter of my own miniscule insecurities. Am I unwilling to accept myself as I am, to embrace the very facets of my own authenticity and pursue them? I become unknown to myself and that frustrates me. I wish to step forward with full confidence in my ability to stand every single step of the way. But instead I tip toe. Afraid to catch my own reflection in the mirror. Why?!? Here it is, the fruit of my incessant thinking. And what result have I reached? 

Throughout my semester exchange, I wonder if I am perceived as rude or poorly mannered, unlikeable by others because I am hesitant to speak at times. Did it seem like I ignored them? Was my silence perceived that way? Should I have been more enthusiastic? Disappointment to who I want to be, faced with the burden of my reality. Incessant thinking, a waste of my time.

 Why not take control of my ship? If I disappoint myself then I ought to decide to improve and be better. To choose who I want to be and simply become it. But if only it were that simple to act. Patience is what I ought to possess in this battle against myself. I suppose I will just opt to silent my mind and hope that you somehow know it was never my intention to make you feel so undervalued. Are my intentions of any value when set against the way you choose to receive me? But I hope you can discover me for who I truly am beneath the weights I press upon myself, should you choose to help me lift these weights. If this is certain, then I should just continue to be me, and me without apology. But what if this heightens the population's inability to receive me. Maybe this ought to be what forces me to recognize there is something I need to change about me. This is the relentless battle within me.

  Of no purpose but a reminder of my incessant thinking. This is the gunk that clogs my rudder. There is only so far I can see beyond my ship. If I am to live, I am to fail, but I mustn't allow it to become such a weight. The best part of one’s growth is the acknowledgement of every way in which I have failed to be who I aspire to become. I must continue digging if I hope to gain any sort of traction amidst this new soil. I must continue to navigate the tide before me or else I will continue to float, meandering along the waves. I suppose at least then I can say I have tried. I have aspired to become more than what I currently see looking back at me. 

I truly believe incessant thinking is the bane of my existence. Maybe that is why I am hesitant or negligent to try new things. Due to my unending overthinking of every single second of each moment I have lived beyond my comfort zone. I need only confidently open the window for me to feel the wind of all these new experiences. This is how I can live more authentically, with eyes wide open. In taking on new and different experiences do I discover who I am. Simply continue to navigate the tide before me, just beyond what I can see. 

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 NIV